Accounts from a 54 year-old teacher and lgbtq+ activist

Before Ember

I’ve been in psychotherapy for four years, which I started in order to transition from female to male. In the midst of that, I got divorced, was in a difficult relationship, had occasional panic attacks, and became depressed. I’ve had anxiety for years based on gender and other childhood trauma, but the depression was really new to me and felt much less familiar. 

With the depression getting worse, I saw a lot of benefits to psychotherapy, but I also felt frustrated by its limits. I felt like it wasn’t doing what I had hoped for and needed at that point. 

I started talking with my therapist about the potential of ketamine. I had only known it as a club drug, so I was hesitant at first. I had already been taking an antidepressant and was wary about putting more drugs into my body.

I like to do my research. I found a handful of options that weren’t a fit. I needed to go with my gut and emotional safety - a huge thing for me in seeking medical care. I discovered Ember’s website, heard a podcast that the founders did, and I developed a feeling of strong curiosity about it. It sounded really worthwhile to try. I was also reading Michael Pollan’s book “How to Change Your Mind”. I respect him a lot as a journalist, and I thought, there's something to this. I’m really grateful that I started.

My Experience

The first experience in-office with the team was just exceptional. As a trans person and someone who is conscientious about diversity, I felt very welcome and safe, which is huge to me. I don’t experience that in most healthcare settings I go to. The Ember team’s warmth and ability to create a safe environment is wonderful. 

During the infusion, I felt the sense of being liberated, floating or climbing - a lot of movement in different environments. I was in control of it, which is sometimes very different from what I feel in my real life. The first time was the most intense, and there were a lot of different scenes that I remembered when I came out of it. 

After the sessions, I increased my daily journaling. The feelings I experienced during my infusions stay remarkably accessible, and journaling in this regard has been really valuable. Looking back on what I wrote a month ago, I can still feel and embody that trust, power, and self-determination.

The Impact I’ve Felt

Soon after each of the four foundational sessions, I was able to focus on meditation, without being overly worried that intrusive and harmful thoughts would overpower my practice as they had before. I had more mental energy to focus not only on my work but also on self-reflection. I started taking physical care of myself by exercising more. I was less self-critical and more motivated. I started to broach past trauma; I’m still not ready to process it all, but treatment opened up that door. 

Before the treatments, I’d had PTSD flashbacks and memories circling the front of my mind - always on a loop, playing. One day following my first handful of sessions, I realized I hadn’t thought about these difficult memories as often. It’s like I think about them now when and if I consciously choose to. The ruminations have lessened, as if there’s more space in my brain that isn't taken up by those thoughts. 

I keep a journal of my chronic physical pain and emotional level and in general, my emotional distress and chronic pain are lower and feel like they are shifting - as if more space exists to maybe move beyond. The pain is still there, but when I feel it now I try to respond with kindness instead of anger. Instead of saying, “Oh, I hate this, it’s ruining my life,” my inner narrator says, “I need to change something. My body is sending me a message.” When I re-read what I journaled after an Ember visit, I can feel connected to how I felt during that time, even though I’m not physically there. 

Everything is so well done at Ember, and the feeling of safety - emotional and physical - is so valuable to me and something I didn’t sense in any of the other options I initially explored. It makes such a difference. I also appreciate the follow-up process, additional resources, long-term care guidelines, and the mood survey - all easy to access online. I can download and save the documents, too. 

There were weeks in the past where I would count down the days until I could see my therapist in hopes of finding some relief from the emotional and physical pain. Ketamine treatment has propelled my work with my therapist to a more impactful level, and I feel like I have a new toolkit to better manage my depression. I still rely on a combination of practices to heal and grow, and ketamine is a cornerstone in this journey.