Accounts from a 32 year-old creative with PTSD

Before Ember

Before coming to Ember Health, I’d had over a decade of severe depression, PTSD, and depressive spells that led to serious suicidal ideations and attempts. I was in a decline over the last several years with worsening struggles during episodes. I knew I needed help and something different.

I came across ketamine for depression from listening to a podcast, the Duncan Trussell Family Hour, and reading some of Michael Pollan’s work that made me think this might be a good fit for me. I felt I had tried every other option to no avail and was desperate for a change.

I was working with a couples therapist and a PTSD-specific therapist, and expressed my interest in finding psychedelics that are accessible and legal. They put me on the roadmap to ketamine, and that’s how we found Ember.

I was hopeful that ketamine treatment could help me at the source, that maybe I could be restored and not feel so low most of the time.

The Experience

My first time at Ember, I was in pretty bad shape coming in. I had found myself wanting to throw myself from my building, and had been leaning heavily into my supports to keep me safe. The ideations were vivid, persistent, and troublesome. It felt like a compulsive urge that was in the forefront of my mind, envisioned through execution, and hard to dismiss. Before the first infusion, I remember my depression had become akin to being in a dense, smoke-filled room and then the infusion opened a window. It created a vacuum which sucked all that depressive air and smoke and energy out in an instant! It went into the vastness of space and it made way for a clear, luminous light in my mind. It was as if my brain could breathe, and I felt whole, better, and a transcendental relief.

That first infusion was profound, spiritual at its core, and astronomically transformational. I felt joy. I felt like the self I remember growing up, that experienced a normal and healthy range of emotions. I felt less and less like a weighted stone on the seabed - stuck in the sands like an anchor - and felt myself moving through my life a bit more freely, rolling along the seabed to fully and freely gliding through the current. Sure, some days still felt heavy but I wasn’t as heavy and stuck.

Dr. Karpov is who I originally started with, and I’m happy to continue working with her and nurse Liz in Williamsburg. Their kindness and knowledge has always felt genuine and welcoming. I feel they're very on top of things with the procedures as well as welcoming to any questions I have, even if some are redundant. They have never left me feeling like they're just “putting on” since it's their job to care. I feel heard and my concerns are always noted when I'm there. Kendall has also been great with scheduling and very helpful when I arrive. Sometimes we get to chatting, which I enjoy a lot; talking to her and Liz about local food spots and what's for lunch. These conversations take me out of my head and make me more relaxed going into the session. They remind me there’s a world outside my head that’s worth engaging in, and some days it’s worth counting up even the smallest of joys; good food and pleasant people. I’d suggest that to anyone to try to remember on their rough days.

All the clinicians I’ve worked with are really kind and present as well. I feel cared for at every visit. Trust is hard for me to experience but, with both my clinicians and Ember as a practice, I quickly fell into a sense of comfortability and felt safe. As someone with PTSD, this doesn't arise easily for me. I do feel that Ember as a whole cares about me and I'm not just some number coming through the door. It’s a level of care one doesn’t find often.

The approach is great, the teams are great, and the staff has been chosen well. There is a welcomeness and sense of safety that is provided there that really helps foster the growth possible through Ketamine Treatment. If plants had ears to hear "it's safe to grow here", and Ember were the gardeners, then I'd be the seed in that gardening pot, and would thrive as I have taken root with the practice. It’s been paramount to my development into the best “Me” I’ve ever been.

The Impact I’ve Felt

Over the last six months, Ember has been pivotal in my progress through my mental health journey. My overall sense of well being, motivation, and inner will to live has improved. It's improved so much that who I am today can barely identify with who I was for years! It’s allowed me to access parts of myself that I only dreamed of achieving again and with little hope for success. It has become possible and sustained.

The reading that I’ve been doing through Ember’s website has been really helpful for my own expectations as well. It has reminded me that this is not a “happiness” infusion. Its goal is to lift you out of the fog so you can go about and tackle your life, whatever its demands are. In the ensuing days after my first appointment, I could feel "normal" and "good." I could embrace what "okay" feels like and learn that again, trust it, and become safe in it. Now in my maintenance, it gives me access to a full life where I can feel joy.

I’ve done a lot of work over the past 14 - 15 years to get here, and given a lot of really honest tries and genuine effort. It hasn’t been for nothing, but this is also why this treatment has been working so well for me - I’ve put in the work, but it’s truly amazing that the compound itself is helping me move through so many past traumas. To truly perceive things differently and think innately differently about things, experiences, and the world feels profound. I’m truly thankful for this new experience and having had great therapists as well.

It feels like I’ve had a breakthrough. I’m not just thinking I’m healed, I’m feeling it in my body. This treatment made me feel like my brain was taking a breath. I’ve been feeling a lot of emotions become unmuted.

The treatment has helped me be grounded in what’s really important for me. I've noticed this greater capacity to hold and observe, and to interact with other people without getting so sucked in or brought down by negativity. I can mentally pause before reacting. I can even choose to let many things go before they affect me. It feels like wisdom or maturity, and a new found freedom. I regained choice in the matter. I gain more autonomy to say this experience is valuable and worth my response, or not. Ketamine has helped me to connect with people as well - to check in and make those phone calls. To act with kindness and engage with life, which often my depression takes away through isolation and thoughts of burdening others. This treatment has helped restore that quality of life that I’ve wanted to fight to have and maintain.

The level and layers in which I feel transformed and freed I could only wish to encompass with words fully. I used to dream of feeling this way, hope that it could exist if I waited long enough and followed the directions. I have a sincere wish that everyone could experience this blossoming of a sense of self, in their journey, coming to its new chapters that are lighter, happier, and more inline with what is healthy. I’ve achieved a state of inner fulfillment with this treatment that makes life feel complete.

I’ve told people that this treatment is really worth any amount, even if it was their last dime, if they’ve suffered as I’ve suffered. That experience of relief is worth it. To feel it once, would restore one’s hope in a better future for themselves after living with serious depression for any amount of time. I feel like ketamine is saving my life. Hands down, it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.