Before Ember

I had a depressive episode over the summer that was brief, but pretty intense. I have a history of depression, which has generally manifested in an episode once or twice a year for the past decade.

My wife works in mental health and said I needed to do something about this beyond just going to therapy. She asked me if I would consider antidepressants. I was opposed to the idea of any help, and was very despondent. When I get depressed, I shut down.

A couple days passed, and somehow ketamine came up. I had been familiar with the idea of ketamine therapy for depression. I had tried psychedelics recreationally in the past, and have been interested in their use in mental health for awhile. I knew that ketamine was legal and that there were clinics here in New York. I knew it could be relatively fast acting. Just the thought of an option that could bring relief quickly broke a little bit of my depression, enough to give me some optimism. 

My wife asked one of her colleagues for a referral, and she recommended Ember Health. We had an appointment set up within 1 - 2 weeks of that depressive episode. 

My Experience

Overall, my experience was really positive. I went into it a little nervous, a little unsure of the unknown. At the same time, I felt comfortable that I was doing it in a professional setting. I was being monitored, and thought ‘this can’t be any safer.’ The quality and attention to care comes through at Ember. The fact that you’re being treated in a private room with a trained healthcare professional rather than in a group setting, and the fact that they wanted to coordinate with my therapist felt deeply reassuring.

My familiarity with altered states made it feel a little less scary. I’d had ayahuasca twice in the last decade. Physically, it had been very overwhelming, energy-intensive, and demanding - going to the bathroom, throwing up. It had felt like a waking dream; producing a really really rich, involved, narrative, with strong symbolism. There had been a kaleidoscope of colors, lots of shapes, lots of geometry, all the standard psychedelic inner space experiences one imagines. 

With ketamine, I was surprised at the lack of narrative symbolism that occurred in my sessions. The inner space was very different from anything I’d experienced. There was always a similar pattern, where I felt I was on my back in the ocean, looking up at a starry sky. Then I would be in different rooms with straight lines, and the dimensions of those rooms would keep changing. At one point, it felt like I was in a coffin. I thought, ‘This is what it’s like to die. But oh shit, it’s no big deal, this is really liberating!’ It felt very profound.

Physically, there were some challenges. But eventually, I was able to release the tension, relax into the body sensations, and I found the sessions really enjoyable. I established an openness to the experience, not resisting what would come up. 

My treatments varied in emotional intensity. I experienced pain, grief, confusion, but ultimately I was left feeling filled with joy and relief. By the end of the sessions, there had been a lot of emotional processing, which ultimately was powerful and cathartic.

The Impact I’ve Felt

After my foundational treatments, I noticed I was getting through situations with a lot more grace and stamina than I otherwise would have. When I came home that first week, my wife tested positive for a pretty strong case of COVID. It was a week before her parents were coming to visit, I was sleeping in the living room, we suddenly had mice in the kitchen, but I found that I was getting through all that really well. The ketamine helped shift my perspective, and it was so much easier to relax about situations that were really stressful.

A lot of other factors contributed to my mental shift, and I felt ketamine bridged these efforts, allowing me to get the most out of them, which was really powerful. I’ve been practicing a meditation style that opens up to the world, rather than concentrating on a single object. The sense of ease and openness the practice generates was a lot more available after my initial session. Meditations since my treatment have generated strong feelings of compassion and emotional freedom and wanting that for other people. These meditations in turn helped me prepare for subsequent sessions, and my body was better able to relax into them. They have been mutually reinforcing in the best way, and an open state of mind has become much more accessible as a result.

Despite the positive shifts I’ve felt from care, I know it won’t make my problems magically go away. I really appreciated the honesty of the Ember team who said from our first conversation that this isn’t going to be a silver bullet. I was struggling a few weeks ago, and thought it may be time to go back and get another session. Just that realization that I could go back, that it’s accessible, totally changed my mood the next day. It acted like a circuit breaker as I realized my depression doesn’t have to be permanent, and I don’t have to catastrophize it.
Ultimately, the ketamine treatment Ember facilitated provided a sense of wellbeing and freedom I've read about but never thought would be possible for me. It has allowed me to experience relaxation towards issues that have challenged me, opening up a completely new way of relating to personality patterns that have caused me stress and trouble for most of my life.