Before Ember

My therapist recommended that I try ketamine treatments with Ember Health.

This came after I had previously tried all sorts of other treatments. At one point, I was on a medication that had really good, positive results. But after a few months, the effects dwindled away and it stopped working altogether, despite continued use. I’m one of those ‘lucky’ people who metabolizes chemicals really well and then gains resistance to them. But the initial relief I had felt from that medication reinforced that there is something more physical in my brain chemistry and structure than just mental at play, and I was open to exploring something new.

I’ve had a long term, trusting relationship with my therapist, so if she recommends something, I’ll try it. I generally have an extremely good set of defense mechanisms, and if I can put them to work, I tend to mute an experience before it happens. All I wanted to know before pursuing care with Ember Health, therefore, was broadly what the treatment was, and that it wouldn’t hurt me. Other than that, I wanted to be surprised, and didn’t want to put up emotional resistance.

The Experience

In my initial conversation with a doctor from Ember Health, I said that I’m an engineer, and respond best when I understand what’s happening from a data-backed perspective. He gave me a left brain explanation - “this is what it does, here’s what’s going on, this is why” - which I found very helpful. As a general statement, I found everyone on the team to be kind, caring, informative, and professional. I never felt rushed. The team listened to me and made sure I felt relaxed and comfortable going into the treatments. 

I’m a fairly philosophical person, and in the sessions, I would tend to ask myself very deep questions. Treatments felt like floating on a current of thought, exploring concepts such as, “Is this what death is like?” “What is it like to have faith?” My brain was not exactly turned off, but I didn’t feel like I was in control of the situation either.

Sessions could also be very visual. I grew up as a kid in the jungle, and in my mind’s eye, very lush, green plants would grow, and then sink into the land and disintegrate. I would see a lot of shapes that you might find in Aztec symbology, I’m assuming simply because they’re ancient and universal. I found a lot of the experiences to be nature and fantasy bound, where things would be changing in a radical way. 

My objective when I’m in there is always to go deeper, to see what’s happening around the next bend of an idea. For me, it is very hallucinatory, and I experienced everything from flying through the sky, to swimming, to feeling like I was dead. They are extremely introspective types of experiences.

Sometimes I’ve gone directly from a session right to therapy. When I go that soon, I feel more open and able to access thoughts that are a bit atypical. It’s somewhat similar to kung fu or meditation, feeling both connected and disconnected at the same time, like I’m watching myself from a slight distance. Because of that, my natural defenses haven’t kicked in, and I’ve been able to answer questions as directly as possible. That has made the back and forth with my therapist more productive.

Sometimes, I have waited a couple of days after the session to see my therapist, when my thoughts are more crystalized. With a bit more space and time for reflection, there are one or two things that would rise to the top that were sticking with me, that we could explore in depth.

The Impact I’ve Felt

Imagine you’re carrying a backpack that has 50 pounds of rocks in it, that you didn’t even realize you were carrying. Then someone says, “You can put that down now.” It’s just a relief. You know you’re going to pick it back up again at some point, but at least in the interim, you can breathe a little. When you’re carrying that much weight, it’s really hard to carry more. When you don’t have it, it’s easier to carry a few other things that life might require of you.

I have chronic insomnia, and since treatments, I’ve been able to sleep a little better. I’m generally a pretty serious person, but it makes it easier for me to laugh if something’s funny. It makes me a little less isolating. I’m pretty introverted in a lot of ways, and I’m not trusting of people at all. It doesn’t really help the trusting part, but I don’t feel as much anxiety when I go out. It’s made me feel a little more relaxed, more open, more flexible about some things. I find I try to think about kindness a little bit more.

Ultimately, I’m not expecting “this is going to fix me”. This is a tool that helps provide relief, and is particularly powerful in conjunction with other things. Paired with therapy, I’ve not only experienced biological relief, I’ve also been able to work through important issues in a way that has really stuck with me.