Before Ember

I’ve had depression and anxiety in my life since I was a teenager. I’m almost 50, and at this point have been working with this for decades.

Leading into my care with Ember, I had been in a really rough space for the previous few years, as I had been on-and-off since I was a teen. Every day felt interminable, painful, and lacked meaning; it took all my energy just to trudge through, just to do the same thing the next day, and the next. Nothing energized me or brought joy. I felt like a zombie in my life — there, but not there.

I had read about ketamine before, but it seemed like something that might be out of my reach financially and require too much work. One of my closest friends, who I’ve been on a similar mental health journey with, had gotten themselves signed up for treatment at Ember. They told me what was involved and that it wasn’t so hard, and said that if I have out of network benefits then I’ll have some financial coverage.

My psychiatrist wasn’t really familiar with this treatment. I hadn’t been working with him for long, and at first he was a little unsure. I said, “I appreciate where you’re coming from, but this has been on my radar for a long time, and I’d love for us to do this together.”

Since then, he has been so curious and has asked me all about this treatment. It’s definitely on his radar for his patients who need a boost that gets them out of a deep hole. He really appreciated having conversations with the Ember Health team - which was important to getting him on board - and he’s been impressed by the process and results.

The Experience

In my first couple of infusions, I didn’t really notice much that felt significant. But by the third and fourth sessions, my experiences were very immersive, very conceptual. They were very much about how we’re all connected. I experienced that really wonderful feeling that it all matters, because I’m connected to everything.

All of my infusions have had that component. Even if they’re hard, they feel really therapeutic. I had one session where I was just crying the whole time, and I don’t even know why. It was a little more sad, but still had this very connected feeling.

I’ve had two infusions in the past month. There was a game-changer one that was so deep and immersive. Basically, this thing that I have known in my head for decades, that “it’s not your fault” around my trauma, I actually experienced it, I felt it. I’ve known that it’s not my fault and I thought that I believed it, I thought I had worked on it. But in this session, I had this voice say those words to me. I felt it pulse through my body, and I actually experienced what it feels like to truly believe it for the first time.

Things have been different since then and I’m still getting my head around this shift – not always reacting from the place that it’s my fault. I can’t believe that I’m able to show up without shame, so it’s obviously an ongoing revelation.

I’ve only been doing the program for a few months at this point, so am still figuring out the right schedule of booster infusions to keep the depressive symptoms at bay. Right now, I’m on a pretty quick turnaround for booster infusions. The very first time I was having to make decisions about boosters, I made the right decision and came in pretty soon after I was feeling low. But the next time, I was traveling, so it took me a week after I was starting to feel off to come in. By the time I went in for care, I was feeling really off, and I was kind of scared. When you’ve been feeling good and then start to feel bad again, it’s compounded by this fear that it’s not fixable. We did a rescue infusion, and then another infusion a few days later. It freaked me out to think I could ruin it, but it was good for me to understand that you can get back on track.

Since then, because I was scared of having to figure out the cadence for myself, we got on a regular three week schedule. It’s been really helpful that appointments are not something I have to pay attention to, at least for now - it’s just too much for my brain to take on. I like doing it on a cadence, where it’s already scheduled. And I know that when things feel they’re going well, I can always try to space my visits out even more.

The Impact I’ve Felt

After the four foundational infusions, I found myself showing up in my life differently. For the first several days, I was watching myself with a sense of awe as I did normal human things that have felt impossible. It felt so good to do basic tasks like clean the bathroom, run errands, schedule an overdue doctor’s appointment. It sounds ordinary, but for me, it’s really not. And work is easier. It doesn’t feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack at any moment, everything feels right-sized. My perspective feels correct: on myself, work, the people in my life. I just feel like a functional person again.

I’m also feeling more social. I’m saying “yes” to a lot of things that I generally don’t say yes to because I don’t have space for it. I was with a couple of friends and asked them, “Have you noticed anything about me?” And they said, “It is night and day how you’re showing up here.” I’m getting a lot of feedback that I’m a lot more open, and a lot more free, not weighed down all the time.

The stuff that I thought was healed, some of this trauma, is coming up in sessions. I’m working with somebody who is really supportive of ketamine treatment and I’ll say, “I’m not sure what’s coming up here, but let’s talk this through”. I’ve been working at this for so long, I have all of these conceptions that I say that I believe, but somehow this treatment is bringing it down into my body. It’s shifting how I’m showing up in my life, and it is amazing.

I’m not trying to be all, “it’s been amazing,” but it has. This has been a life changer.